Life After
by RavenWolf3
Summary: Follows the story of the crew of the Normandy immediately after the ending of ME 3 as they struggle to go on with their lives after Shepard. New relationships develop, old wounds fester, but perhaps there can still be a happy ending. Garrus/FemShep so far, with generous helpings of other characters and possible other pairings.
1. Chapter 1

He wasn't sure how long he'd been there. The cold white walls of the med bay lacked their familiarity somehow, and it took him a few minutes to realize that something was missing. The engines. The engines were powered down. Which meant...that they were still planetside?

He struggled to move, to sit up, but a sudden stabbing pain shot through his chest and down through his guts. He grunted in surprise and pain. "You shouldn't be moving around just yet," Dr. Chakwas said, carefully not looking up from her terminal. "I want you to give those skin weaves a chance to set before you go ripping yourself up again."

"Where are we?" Garrus asked her, struggling to find his memories through his headache. He remembered Earth. He remembered charging through an insane amount of husks, and Marauders, and spirits knew what else, trying to get to...trying to get to what? It fuzzed out, and some deep ache inside him was warning him not to go there.

"That's an excellent question. We've been trying to figure that out ourselves, since the explosion knocked most of our systems offline. We seem to be on a garden planet somewhere just outside the Sol system, but beyond that I couldn't tell you." Her voice was calm and professional. Too calm and professional. There was something hiding under her tone. Something dangerous. Something bad.

"Where's everyone? Where's Shepard?" He asked, with growing concern. They had been running toward...running toward the beam. Him and Shepard and Kaidan. He remembered now. The bodies. Mostly human. And that goddamn Reaper, taking them out, slaughtering them effortlessly. He'd never seen men mowed down so quickly in his life. It was hopeless. But Shepard kept pushing forward, so they kept pushing forward. But they hadn't been fast enough...There was a tank...a Mako, flying through the air at them and they'd dodged, him and Kaidan, mostly dodged except...That was where he'd been injured. That was why it hurt so bad.

"Well, Joker, EDI, and Liara are exploring the immediate area outside the crash site. Everyone else is working and salvaging and making what repairs they can. And Shepard..."

The door slid open. Kaidan walked in, nodding to Dr. Chakwas. Then he saw Garrus. "You're awake," he said, stating rather than asking. Garrus noted the dark circles under his eyes, his pale complexion. He looked gaunt, for a human. Not right. Not healthy.

"Kaidan," Garrus managed in greeting. He tried to sit up again, this time more carefully and more successfully. Chakwas gave him a warning look but didn't say anything.

"How're you doing, buddy?" Kaidan started, injecting false cheer into the question. He attempted a smile.

"Shitty. Will you tell me what's going on? Where's Shepard? Chakwas here won't give me a straight answer."

Kaidan paused, considering the question. The dread in Garrus's stomach was growing into a knot the size of a boulder. Finally, he heaved a sigh and said, "Shepard's gone, Garrus."

Garrus blinked. He carefully filed the sentence away for future inspection, refusing to investigate its contents. He...couldn't think about that yet. Had to remember what happened first. They'd been running...Towards the beam. To get to the Citadel and open the arms. Everyone around them was dying. _But not Shepard_. Always he could see Shepard ahead of them, charging into the fire, rolling away from the explosions with an almost preternatural intuition. Always unscathed. And then that tank, that damned thing that had practically rolled on top of them, would've _killed_ them both if Kaidan hadn't been almost as quick as Shepard.

And then the Normandy. She'd called for an emergency evac, and he remembered thinking that she was fucking _insane_ and that there was no way the Normandy could make it through this living hell, and that she should just leave him behind, that it'd be all right...

But Joker had. He'd made it somehow, pulled right up behind them and opened the hatch. And at that last moment, as she was loading them on, practically pushing him towards the open door, he'd seen in her eyes that she wasn't coming back. That this was their final goodbye. And at the end, as her fingers had slipped away from his grasp, all he could say was "I love you too". After that, everything was dark.

_Shepard is gone_. He made a soft little whine in the back of his throat, unable to help himself. "Garrus?" Kaidan asked. "Are you okay?"

He wanted to give Kaidan a look of cold steel, wanted to turn back on him with a scathing response that would send the boy crying for his mother. But he just...couldn't do it. Kaidan had loved her too. He knew that. They had all loved her.

He cleared his throat. Dug deep to find the turian soldier he'd been born to be. "What happened after the Normandy picked us up?" he asked. "I don't remember anything."

Kaidan shook his head. "It's hard to say. We know she made it to the Citadel. She and Anderson opened the arms. Admiral Hackett made contact with her a short time after the Crucible had docked. He said...he said she didn't sound good. But she must have done something after that, because the Crucible sent out a giant energy pulse. That was when we ran. We didn't know what would happen when the blast made contact, so we tried to outrun it. We failed, crashed, and ended up here. That's all we know."

Garrus shook his head. "That...that's a lot of information. But I'm failing to understand the part where we assume that Shepard is dead. We've all made that mistake before. And we were wrong."

Kaidan smiled a weak, little smile. "The Citadel, well, it was in bad shape before she boarded it. The readings we got directly after the detonation indicated that all life support had been cut, all energy systems wiped out, and all sections vented into space. And from what the Admiral said, she was barely clinging to life _before_ all that."

He cocked his head. "I want to believe she made it as much as you do, Garrus." His eyes turned sad. "But I just don't see how. And I don't think letting ourselves believe it is going to do us any good."

Garrus looked away, lost. When he didn't say anything for a few moments, Kaidan turned to leave. "I guess I'll...let you rest for a while," he said. "Let me know if you need anything. Anything at all."

Dr. Chakwas had remained silent through their conversation, pretending to be hard at work. As Kaidan left, she said. "I agree with him Garrus. And I think that some rest would be a very good idea for you right now."

Garrus said nothing, only closed his eyes.

* * *

A/N: This is my first Mass Effect story, with lots more to come. I have a lot of ideas where to go with it, but will definitely be Garrus/FemShep with some other possible pairings. I hope you liked it!


	2. Chapter 2

When Garrus woke up the second time, he simply got up and walked out of the med bay. Dr. Chakwas watched him go and didn't bother to challenge him. She also didn't bother to mention that he was still notably limping, or that there was a trickle of fresh blood seeping out through the armor he still wore. The sidelong look he gave her as he left was enough to freeze her protestations in her throat. If he collapsed at his station, she'd be there to pick up the pieces. But there was little else she could do now.

He went straight to the main battery. Not that there was much to work on at the moment, the guns being the least of their worries. But that was one of the most attractive parts about it. No one would be there rewiring components or replacing shield plating. And it was home. It felt safer and more familiar to him than almost any other part of the ship.

When the Normandy had been running and everything had been normal, Garrus had slept in the crew quarters with everyone else. But when things had started getting bad, towards the end, he'd set up a small cot in the main battery so he never had to stop working. He'd slipped into catnaps every sixteen hours or so, and then been able to go right back to work, no distractions.

He was surprised to find his cot still there. Somehow he'd imagined that someone would have moved it, maybe trying to bring the Normandy back up to regulations. Seeing it reminded him of those worried, sleepless nights and days, leading up to Earth, and it made him wince.

Still, after staring at the dead console in front of him for several minutes, he found it an enormous relief to gingerly lay himself down and curl up under his meager blanket. He supposed he'd have to take his armor off at some point. He could already feel the dried blood sticking uncomfortably and knew that peeling the pieces off was going to hurt more the longer he waited. But he just couldn't find the will to get up.

He stared for a long time into the relative dark of the room, listening to the silence that was punctuated every now and again, by the clang of some repair or the voices of the crew. He wondered how long it would be before they came looking for him, or if they would just let him be.

_I'm really not a very good turian_, he thought, knowing that he needed to report for duty, to lend his efforts to the repairs and whatever else his commanding officer told him to do. That was what a soldier did. Followed orders. And right now, he just didn't care. Let them find him if they wanted to. Maybe then he'd get up. But until then he preferred to drift in the quiet.

"Have you seen Garrus lately?"

Liara's voice cut through Kaidan's reverie like a knife. He set his drink down and turned to look at her. "No. Honestly, I've been avoiding him. I don't think he likes me very much right now." He took another sip of his whiskey and looked out the window. Somehow he expected to see stars drifting by, and was taken by surprise when he saw only green foliage draped in silver moonlight.

"Have you?" He asked.

She sat down. "No," she admitted. "I think he's hidden himself away in the main battery. At least, that's the last time anyone seems to have seen him. I'm beginning to think that someone should go talk to him, make sure he's alright..." She let the sentence hang, her eyes sending the rest of the message loud and clear. _It should be you._

He said it for her. "I suppose it should be me. I'm the commanding officer now, right? Or so everyone says. I should talk to him." He heaved a sigh that broke somewhere in the middle. "I just...I know that Shepard would march in there and she would know just what to say to make everything right. Even about her own death, I feel like she would have had a speech prepared...And I've got nothing." He looked hopelessly up at Liara, the alcohol sloshing noisily in his glass. "I can't pretend to be her, Liara. I'm not...I don't know what to do."

To avoid her gaze, he took another sip of his drink. "I'm beginning to think you're a little drunk, Commander," she said, letting some humor gentle her tone.

"So?" Kaidan said defiantly, slamming his glass down. "I'm not on duty and everyone else is asleep, and also..no I'm not!" And then, more softly. "And I wish you wouldn't call me that."

"It's your title now, Kaidan," she reminded him gently. "You've earned it. I know it feels like we're asking you to replace her, but no one can do that. And we don't expect you to. We all miss her, but right now we need a leader. Someone to hold us all together." She placed her hand on his arm and smiled. "And I think you're doing a great job of it." She laughed a little. "Not including right now."

To her delight, he laughed a little too. "I guess maybe I am a little drunk," he said. "But I'm allowed, right? Can't a man enjoy a little whiskey after his shift?"

"You tell me, Commander."

He brightened. "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you join me, Liara? Have a drink with your new Commander."

She got up to leave. "I don't know if that's a good idea right now, Kaidan. I...well, let's just say that I'm not in the right frame of mind for alcohol right now. I'm going to bed." She laid a hand on his shoulder. "Don't stay in here too long, alright? We need you to be ready in the morning."

He looked out the window again, at the strange yet familiar plants crowding around their crashed ship. "Huh," he mused to himself. "It's been a long time since I've been somewhere where there's a real_ morning." _He looked up, but Liara was already gone.

It was a couple of drinks later when he remembered what he and Liara had talked about, and decided that it was time to act. He grabbed his bottle of whiskey and a bottle of ryncol and headed to the main battery.

Garrus was still awake when the door to the main battery slid open. He had no idea how long ago it had been that he'd dragged himself out of the med bay, but from the stiffness in his joints as he sat up, it had been long hours.

He blinked as the lights brightened in response to the movement. He blinked again as his eyes focused on the man in the doorway. "Alenko?" He asked, somewhat stunned. "What time is it?" He snorted as the scent of alcohol assailed his sensitive turian senses. Then, "Are you drunk?"

Kaidan laughed. "Yes, late, and yes. I was hoping you'd want to join me. Liara was being a party pooper." He held out the bottle of ryncol in his left hand, swigging from the bottle of whiskey in his right. "This is what you guys drink, right? If it's not, I'm willing to share my whiskey, even if it is the last bottle on the ship."

Garrus was, for the first time in a long time, speechless. He hadn't seen a human this drunk since his C-sec days, and he certainly had never expected this behavior from _Alenko_ of all people. Joker, maybe, definitely James, but _Major Kaidan Alenko_, Spectre and newly appointed Commander of the Normandy?

He stared at the bottle of ryncol for what seemed like a long time. _Fuck it_. He grabbed the bottle by the neck, popped the top off and took a long swig.

Kaidan broke into a huge smile. "There we go. This is much more fun with a partner."

Garrus took another drink. He could already feel the warming effects as the ryncol suffused his blood stream. He didn't remember being so much of a lightweight, but then, he also couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten anything. He slid over on his cot. "Sit down before you fall down, _Commander_." He couldn't help the sarcasm on the last word, just like he couldn't help how much it hurt when the word left his mouth. _Not Shepard_.

Kaidan sat down clumsily. "Hey. You don't have to be a prick about it."

Garrus ignored him. "So Liara turned you down, huh?"

"Yeah," Kaidan said, leaning back against the wall. "She said she wasn't in the "right frame of mind" or something. Pfft. She was being very...stick-up-her-ass-y. Like how you used to be."

Garrus turned and glared at Kaidan. For a full minute they held each other's gazes, neither one blinking. Finally Garrus took a drink from his bottle. "Yeah. I guess you're right about that."

Kaidan smiled. "She had that effect on a lot of people I think." He sighed. "I miss her, Garrus."

Garrus blinked. He was not prepared for this. If there was one topic he did not want to discuss, and one person he did not want to discuss it with, it was Shepard, with Kaidan.

"Fuck, Alenko." He looked away. He didn't want to see the tears building in the kid's eyes, and was immeasurably grateful for the turian physiology that kept his inner emotions safe. At least from untrained human eyes.

"I know. I know you probably don't want to talk about it, I know that's probably why you've been hiding in here all day, but...I mean, you of all people _get it_. You know..." He trailed off, unsure how to finish his sentence. To compensate, he took a drink. The room was beginning to spin in a very disorienting way.

Garrus sighed. "She loved you first, you know," he said, hating himself for staying in this ludicrous and painful conversation. The whole time we were chasing Saren...she talked about you all the time. And on Virmire..."

Kaidan put a hand to his forehead. "Please don't talk about Virmire. I know...it's my fault Ashley's dead. It should have been me. And I can't help but wonder if she regretted that choice. You know, after things...between us fell apart. I...it tears me up inside that I can't be with her." His voice cracked, and Garrus could see the tears running freely down his cheeks now. Spirits, he _loathed_ this conversation.

Now he was picturing the two of them together, and remembering it all, everything. The way they'd held hands when they thought no one was looking, the deep, meaningful looks between them, and how on Ilos they'd _reeked_ of each other... How could he say that he'd loved her then, too? He'd been so ashamed, so confused about his feelings, not only for a superior officer, but for an _alien_ superior officer, a _human_ at that, and he'd always liked to think of himself as open-minded but he'd never been prepared for this, the lust for her that had caught him off guard, or the jealousy that nearly knocked him off his feet when he'd seen what was going on between her and Kaidan. If he hadn't been so...so fucking nervous, and awkward, and certain that she'd reject him...

He tried to say something to Kaidan, but his tongue didn't seem to want to move. He drank instead.

Kaidan shook his head, as if to clear the memories away. "I'm sorry, Garrus. You're probably the wrong person to say this to. Thank you, for listening to me, for helping me remember. But she did choose you, in the end. She loved you, even to that very last moment. We should...we should be honoring her memory, moving on with our lives. And I guess, the real reason I came down here was to tell you that I understand. I know it hurts. And I'm here, if you need me. Not just as your commanding officer, but as your friend too, I'd like to think. We're going to be okay," he said, and put his hand on Garrus's shoulder.

The turian flinched at first, then relaxed. He had to admit to himself that he was surprised at how quickly Kaidan had pulled himself together, how eloquent he had managed to be despite how drunk they both were. He rumbled approvingly deep in his chest. "You're better at being a commander than you think you are, Alenko."

Kaidan gave him a self-deprecating half-smile. "Thanks, Vakarian. I'm going to go now. Try to get some actual sleep."

And he left. Garrus watched him go, and then curled back up on his cot and prayed desperately that he wouldn't dream.

* * *

A/N: So thanks again to everyone who reviewed the first chapter. I hope this one lives up to your expectations. Updating will be slow (probably nonexistent) over the weekend, but I made this chapter extra long to compensate. :)


	3. Chapter 3

Tali fought the urge to remove her helmet. It had been mere weeks since she had stood on the surface of Rannoch, home at last, breathing the free air. It felt as if it had been yesterday. And this world was so similar...Well, perhaps not. Where Rannoch was arid and filled with sweeping canyons and rugged vistas, this world was draped in thick greenery, filled with unknown vegetation and diseases. And still, she longed to breathe its unfiltered air. This was probably the most time she'd spent planetside in her whole life, she realized.

She was alone, this time. Kaidan had finally relented in his paranoia enough to allow them to scout singly, as long as they maintained constant radio contact. It had been two weeks stranded here, and resources were growing thin enough that desperation was beginning to take hold. It was hard enough to find the diverse supplies the crew needed at a regular port, let alone stranded on an undeveloped world. They had all but given up on getting the Normandy repaired enough to break atmo. There was only so much they could replicate, restructure, or re-purpose to make repairs, and they had come to the point where they simply did not have the raw materials.

That was the reason Tali was scouting instead of making repairs. There was no need for skilled engineers when there was no material to make repairs with. She was grateful for the chance to see the planet; too often it had felt like she was cooped up, trapped inside the Normandy even though there was a whole world out there to see.

Kaidan hoped that with her experience at salvage, she might be able to detect something useful that the others had missed. So she faithfully checked her omni-tool every few minutes, hoping the sensors would pick up on a palladium deposit or something equally helpful. Of course, even if she found one, there would still be the matter of excavating it, refining it, and finally constructing it into the parts they needed. She tried not to focus on that part.

As she crested a hill, she was greeted by a swooping valley below, a ribbon of river running through it, thick and burly trees growing up on either side. She could hear the echoes of strange bird calls. She sat down on a log to rest and enjoy the view. She'd been out for several hours now, and she could see by the angle of the sun that she'd have to return soon. Kaidan wasn't likely to give up _that_ much of his caution, no matter how desperate they were. She'd seen the determination in his eyes that he _would_ _not_ lose a single crew member. Losing Shepard had been damaging enough.

Tali tried hard not to think about that. She hadn't been there on that final mission, couldn't guess at what Garrus and Kaidan had seen towards the end. And both of them were so haunted and tight-lipped about the situation that she was afraid to ask. She knew empirically what had happened on the Citadel from the readings she'd gotten. But still she felt like she'd missed something important. Some final goodbye, or chance to intervene.

She _did_ however, have a pretty good idea of what Shepard had accomplished with that last mission. Having lived her whole life in close contact with machinery, with a constant threat of synthetic intelligence hanging over her head, Tali was in a unique position among the crew to understand exactly what had happened with the Crucible had activated. They didn't know what it was like to live in constant fear of the geth, to work tirelessly to stay one step ahead of an intelligence that never slept. Consequently they didn't understand what it meant to feel that the threat was fully gone. Erased, like it had never been. It wasn't as if she thought that no synthetic would harm another organic ever again. It was more like the dividing line between them had been painted over, that she no longer had to fear synthetics for a lack of understanding. She knew now, could _feel_ that they were exactly like every other being in the galaxy. There would no longer be wars between 'synthetic and organic'. Of course there would still be wars. There were always wars. But it would be between this faction and that faction. These geth and those krogans. These quarians and those quarians.

She had been waiting to talk to EDI about it. The AI seemed fused to Joker at the hip now, and Tali didn't have the heart to tear her away. Someone at least, deserved a happy ending.

As she sat, she swung her omni-tool in a slow, lazy half-circle, letting it pick up on whatever might be buried in the valley. She didn't pay too much attention, by now used to the constant and disappointing pings of an unsuccessful scan. She was surprised when she heard a higher-pitched beep, and looked down sharply at her omni-tool.

Readings. Very bizarre readings for an uninhabited foreign jungle. There was metal. Lots of it. And it was a refined alloy, which meant it wasn't just a natural deposit, but something that had been smelted by sentient hands. She knew it wasn't a lead she could afford to pass up.

She took another look at the sun. She had about forty-five minutes before she'd have to head back, if she wanted to make it before dark. She wanted very badly to go down and investigate, to find out whether it was worth the time to bring a team and tools out here for excavation. She fondled her pistol. She would be careful, she promised herself. Just a quick look.

So she started down the hill.

Kaidan felt weary. And helpless. Most of the crew were out on scouting missions, having abandoned the idea of making repairs with what they had. He had accepted long ago that he was going to have to stay at the Normandy in case they were able to contact someone with the QEC, or if there was trouble with one of the teams. Sometimes being a leader meant sitting on your ass while everyone else followed your orders. He was decidedly not a fan of this notion.

He wondered how Shepard handled it. She always led the away missions herself, but there was plenty she couldn't do. She couldn't be at every battle she'd coordinated, couldn't stand in at every diplomacy meeting she'd arranged. She couldn't handle the intel from the Shadow Broker by herself; she'd needed Liara. Nor could she calibrate or operate the main guns on the Normandy, or keep the engines running smoothly, or pilot the ship. She'd needed her team for all of that. She'd had to trust them to do their jobs, so she could do hers.

Kaidan could understand that. He just hated that his job as of late felt like nothing more than collecting reports and pacing around the ship.

It was lonely at the top. A fact he'd known, but never really appreciated until now. He'd loved the crew when he'd been a part of it. Played cards with Vega, had tea with Liara, gone shopping for weaponry with Tali. But it was different now that he was the commander. There was an uneasiness that hadn't been there before, on his part because he felt like he didn't know what he was doing, and on theirs because he wasn't Shepard.

He tried to avoid thinking about Garrus. Their relationship had been...distant, to say the least, since that night in the main battery. But he counted it as worth it, since the turian seemed to be at least going through the motions now, instead of hiding away in a dark corner. And a part of him had to admit that he felt better, too. He'd needed to get those things off his chest, whether he'd known it or not, and even if had just been for a few hours, it'd felt nice to have a true friend again.

He looked at the sky. The sun was getting closer and closer to the horizon. Most of the teams had checked in already; they knew that one of his only hard and fast rules was that they be back by dark. The only two unaccounted for were Cortez and Tali. And he could see Cortez making his way through the trees towards him.

"Where the hell is Tali?" he muttered. He tried to ping her omni-tool, but it seemed like she was blocking communications. _Shit_.

While he was engrossed in his omni-tool, Cortez loitered nearby, waiting to make his report. "Cortez," Kaidan said. "While you were out there, did you see or have any contact from Tali?"

His blue eyes reflected confusion. "No sir. Last I saw she was headed northwest." He squinted at the sun. "She hasn't checked in yet?"

Kaidan sighed. "No." After a moment. "We need to organize a search party. Would you please find Garrus and Liara and have them report to me immediately? Tell them to bring their gear. Tali's missing."


	4. Chapter 4

Garrus was dreaming. He knew it from the hazy quality and the way the details just blurred right out, but all the same, he didn't want to wake up. He was dreaming of Shepard, the way he had been for weeks now. Only this time it was one of the good dreams.

It was their first time again, the night before the Omega relay, and he was standing in her cabin, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, and practically shuffling his feet from nervousness. The blue glow of the fish tank illuminated her face, and he could feel himself falling in love, studying the enchanting softness of her skin and the gentleness in her eyes. He wanted so badly to tell her how beautiful she was, how she made him forget about how awful the galaxy could be, but all he could come up with was some rambling about her hair, and her waist... He relived the embarrassment all over again, the feeling of revelation that he was in no way good enough for her, and that surely she would reject him...

But she didn't. She turned off the music, that god-awful music that Joker had _told_ him was appropriate, and she'd stroked his face. He closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of her hand as she traced his scars. He felt like he was melting.

But when he opened his eyes, she was gone. The quiet hum of machinery filled the room, and he was standing once again on top of the presidium. But she wasn't here either. And there were no shuttles whizzing by, no movement on the walkways below. It seemed...dead. He grabbed his rifle, using the scope to search for her, but there was no one. No sign of life anywhere on the once-crowded Citadel. Terror was beginning to take hold. He sat down heavily. He was alone.

As he scanned the deserted walkways, he began to notice familiar rubble. Some of the buildings were made of brick. There were fires. The sky was darkening above, and he began to recognize Earth. London, with tumbled down buildings and chaos in the streets. And ahead of him, was that shining beacon, ascending towards the sky. He got up, started to run. She was there, he knew she was.

He ran faster. Above him the sky rumbled and cracked, red lasers lashing out at the ground below. Harbinger. He didn't care. He threw aside his rifle because it was slowing him down. He could taste smoke and blood in the back of his throat. His breathing was harsh, erratic. So close.

When he got closer he could see her. She was standing in the beam of light, arms outstretched, a look of fear and desperation on her face. He could see her lips forming the word, his name_._ He tripped. Fell sprawling into a jagged pile of debris. Sharp rocks dug into him at all angles, bits of glass tore at his skin. He struggled to get up but he was trapped, held down by what seemed like tons of debris. He reached out...

Years of life at war had made him a light sleeper no matter what the circumstance. When the door whooshed open he was already on his feet. It was Liara.

"Sorry to wake you, but Kaidan needs us for a mission. Grab your gear and meet us outside," she said. Then she looked him up and down. "Are you alright Garrus?"

He shook his head a little to clear the cobwebs. "Yeah. I'm fine. I'll be right there." She cocked her head questioningly, but he rumbled a warning that told her to leave it alone. She turned and walked out. He ran a hand over his fringe and sighed. _It was still a good dream_, he thought to himself, remembering the feeling of her hand on his face. He hoped he'd never forget, yet knew that the sensations were already fading from memory.

He grabbed the first piece of his armor and determined to focus only on the mission. What she would have done.

Outside the light was growing dim. The last sliver of sun was fading quickly. Garrus blinked, letting his eyes adjust to the light. He'd been on the early shift today; up before the sun. He liked it that way; fewer people to worry about. As soon as it was over he'd gone back to bed. He'd been sleeping a lot lately; even when the dreams were bad, they were often better than reality. And Kaidan left him to it, most of the time. His assigned duties were meager, and that was fine by him.

So he was worried when he met with the two of them outside. What had gone wrong that would take them on a mission past curfew?

Kaidan ended all speculation immediately. "Tali's missing. She was supposed to check in before sundown, and I haven't been able to contact her. We're heading out to find her." Garrus felt a stab of concern. It was fresh and raw, and it caught him in its intensity.

Liara crossed her arms skeptically. "Shouldn't we have multiple search parties? You know, to increase the ground we can cover, improve our chances of finding her?"

Kaidan frowned. "We should, if I thought it was just a matter of her getting lost. But Tali's a smart girl. She knows where we are, hell, I marked the position in all of your omni-tools. But something's blocking my attempts to contact her. I don't think she's lost. I think that we were too quick to assume this planet was safe. So I want to do this carefully. A small, highly trained team, working together to retrieve her. Any other questions?"

Garrus detected a hint of sarcasm. He was a little surprised, but then, he was also a little surprised that Liara would pose her question so directly. Superior officers were superior officers, Alliance, turian, or other, and when they gave an order you followed. Maybe not so with asari, but still, he couldn't recall her ever questioning Shepard that way.

She seemed to realize it too. She uncrossed her arms, fidgeted a little. "I'm...uh, I'm sorry Kaidan. I know you know what you're doing." She looked away, seemingly at a loss for further words.

Kaidan let the silence stretch out. Garrus could feel the power play between the two of them. He approved. Again Kaidan had surprised him with his leadership. Finally he turned to leave. "I'll take point." Garrus settled in on the right flank, Liara on the left. The formation was hauntingly familiar, with the obvious crucial difference.

The jungle was different at night, but not very. Without much in the way of animal life, it was quiet except for the rustling they made as they moved through the trees. All but a handful of birds were silent, sleeping, it seemed. The silvery moonlight danced off the broad leaves of the foliage, dimly lighting their way. The quiet unnerved Garrus. Especially since they were making so much noise. It assured him that any living thing out there knew exactly where they were, whereas they were merely blundering through the dark. He could tell Kaidan felt the same way by the tense set of his shoulders.

Liara, on the other hand, was hardly making any noise at all. She seemed sharp, alert. He guessed that was the difference between soldiers and huntresses.

They traveled for several hours before coming to a hill overlooking a valley. Kaidan motioned them to a halt. They stopped and took stock of the valley. This was the first major change in landscape they'd seen all night, notable for its uniqueness.

Garrus tapped Liara on the shoulder and pointed. Nestled deep in the valley, there was the soft orange glow of artificial light. His turian eyes had picked up on it more easily than the other two, but once she noticed it Liara nodded, then gestured to Kaidan.

Kaidan nodded, then made the signal to move forward. They didn't have to be told to stay quiet, and they picked their way carefully down the hill.

Tali woke painfully. Her head felt heavy and dull, her throat ached, and fever blazed like a fire throughout her body. She raised a hand to her head. _What_...? Her helmet was gone, and her hand touched naked skin. _Oh no no no no!_ She frantically felt her head with her hands. Even her cowl was gone, leaving her completely bare-headed. And her hair...She felt her scalp. It was gone too. Her head prickled with stubble. They had shaved her head!

She breathed rapidly, trying to control her panic. The last thing she could remember was tripping and falling...No. She'd been caught. There had been a snare, an old-fashioned thing just laying on the ground, and she'd stepped right into it. _Stupid bosh'tet!_

She forced herself to calm down and take stock. She was bald. Her helmet was gone. As was her suit. She was clothed in a rough, shapeless garment, laying on a cot in a small, dark room. Her surroundings were spartan. There was a bucket in the corner, the cot she was laying on, and a door. There were also several empty metal shelves, leading her to wonder if she was in a re-purposed storage room. Her weapons were gone. She still had her omni-tool, strangely enough, but it was battered and malfunctioning. It was as if someone had tried to pry it off with a rough tool, then given up.

She laid back down. Her head was throbbing. After the initial rush of panic, she felt weaker than ever. Exhausted. She didn't know what was worse; the lack of her suit which was a slow death sentence, or the fact that she had no idea where she was. She tried not to think about it, but it was inevitable. She was going to die here, alone.

But she couldn't. She couldn't just give up. She fiddled with her omni-tool, trying to make a connection. But it only spit sparks and refused to cooperate. Without tools there was nothing she could do. So she tried the only thing she could think of. She began to bang against the door.

"Let me out you cowards! LET ME GO! I've never done anything to you! Let me out!"

* * *

A/N: I hope you like this chapter. The story's definitely heading in some unexpected directions for me, but I do still have a good idea where we're going, if that makes you feel any better. As always, reviews are appreciated, even and especially constructive criticism. :)


	5. Chapter 5

Liara saved them from their first foolish mistake. They were creeping slowly along the river that ran through the valley, trying to make as little noise as possible. Up ahead, the glow of light was growing closer, more distinct. They could make out now the shapes and shadows of buildings. Old buildings.

Kaidan was mid-stride when Liara grabbed his shoulder and yanked him back. She held on to him as he wobbled, then put a finger to her lips and pointed. There on the ground, just faintly visible in the moonlight, was the tell-tale silver line of a trip-wire. Kaidan nodded at her, then stepped gingerly over it.

Garrus, who had been watching, froze in his tracks, and scanned the area. There was nothing that he could see, but he walked with twice the caution as before.

As they continued onward, slower now than ever, they saw a place where the foliage had been greatly disturbed. There were broken branches everywhere, and a big flat place where something vaguely human-shaped had lain. And then been dragged. Again Liara called a halt, this time bending to the flattened earth and withdrawing a small scrap of fabric. A familiar scrap of fabric.

"Tali's suit," Kaidan breathed. Any lingering doubts about the direction they were going were erased. The buildings ahead were only maybe twenty feet away, but still fairly obscured by foliage. They would have been difficult to spot even from this distance if not for the light they cast off in the dark.

"Liara," he said. "I want you to go check it out. Garrus and I will wait here for your signal. I don't want any surprises."

Liara nodded, then moved forward. Kaidan and Garrus settled in.

By the time the door opened, Tali was collapsed on the floor in exhaustion. The fever burning through her body was growing hotter, and she was so weak her arms felt like limp noodles. Sweat slicked her brow. When the door opened and she saw a human face, she was almost certain that she was hallucinating. "Shepard...?" she asked weakly, relief taking hold. "I need...my suit." She coughed and lay still, closing her eyes for only a moment. She felt arms sliding underneath her, then lifting her. Bright light filtered through her eyelids, making her head pound.

"Where are we going?" she muttered weakly. To her own ears she sounded almost drunk, but couldn't find the energy to sharpen her speech. "I need medicine. Antibiotics. Help."

Her head was cradled against the woman's chest. She smelled faintly of chemicals, but clean.

Tali felt herself being laid down, this time on a much more comfortable bed. Her head lolled to the side, and she opened her eyes. "Where am I?" she asked the woman. She could make out what looked like medical equipment. The woman was moving past her, gathering supplies from a small tray. Tali shivered violently against the coolness of the air on her fevered skin. She felt so naked.

She saw the woman looming over her with a syringe. There was a sharp prick on her upper arm. "You're not human, are you?" the woman asked, speaking for the first time.

"_Quarian_," Tali said, disbelief coloring her voice. "How can you...why did you take my suit? I'll die!"

"We had to make sure you weren't bringing disease." Tali wanted to laugh but couldn't. Her? Disease?

Whatever the woman had injected her with was slowly taking effect. She could feel it cooling her entire body, beginning to quench the fever that had taken hold. "You really...you do not know me, do you?" Tali asked. "You do not know quarians? Or were you really trying to kill me?" She felt suddenly naked and vulnerable.

The woman raised her eyebrows. "My first guess was that you were a mutated human. Three fingers and toes does not an alien make."

Tali was speechless with rage, then confusion, then fear. Finally, she said slowly, "You don't have much contact with the outside world, do you?"

"Our communicators have been offline since before I was born."

Tali took a ragged, wheezing breath. While she was considering her words, the woman, the doctor, she had to be, was prepping another shot. "I am not human," she said. "I am a quarian. My species comes from Rannoch on the Outer Rim. We have almost no natural immune system, which is why I was wearing that protective suit. Without it, I am exposed to bacteria and viruses, and I will die. Please return my suit."

"I hardly think your suit will help you at this point," the woman said. "A dozen infections have already set in. Wrapping you up won't protect you from what's already inside."

"So you're just going to let me die?"

"If I was planning on letting you die, I wouldn't be wasting this medicine on you, now would I?"

Tali slammed her fist down weakly on the table. "What the hell is wrong with you people? You trap me, strip me naked, _shave my head_, and then pretend like you're going to _save me? _WHY are you doing all this?!" Her throat ached fiercely from the outburst, and she sagged down into the table.

The woman took a deep breath and stepped back from the table. "You blundered into one of the traps we'd set. You violated our homes, our territory. We stripped you to be sure you weren't carrying any weapons, which you were, any diseases, which you weren't, or any other surprises. We shaved your head to determine exactly how far your physiological differences extended, and I'm trying to save you now because it was never my intent to harm you."

She rolled Tali over and gave her another shot, this time deep in her right butt cheek. Tali yowled in surprise and pain. The woman ignored her. "Now maybe it's time you answered some questions of your own. Why were you tramping around our settlement fully armed? What do you want from us?"

Tali gasped for breath, still coming to terms with the coldness of the table, the sting from the shot, and the myriad other inputs vying for her attention. "I wasn't—I don't want _anything_ from you. Well, maybe. We crash landed on this planet weeks ago, and I was looking for materials to help repair our ship. We just want to go home."

The doctor frowned. She administered another shot, didn't say anything for a few moments. "Who is 'we'?" she finally asked.

Tali paused for a second, beginning to feel strange. Better. Yes. She was feeling a little bit warmer, a little bit more lucid. She felt like she could breathe again. She thought about lying to the woman, still not fully trusting her intentions. Then she realized that lying would get her nowhere, especially since she didn't even _know_ what she would want to hear.

"The crew of the Normandy. It's an Alliance ship, so there are plenty of humans on board, and myself, and a turian, and an asari, and..." She paused for a moment, realizing that Thane was gone, Wrex was gone, Grunt, Jack, Samara... "And that's mostly it," she finished. "We crashed here after escaping from the battle on Earth, and now we just want to put our ship back together so we can go home."

The doctor looked startled. "Battle on Earth?" she asked.

Tali shook her head. "It's a very long story, but I'd be happy to tell you about it if you would just give me my suit back and let me report back to my commander." She sat up a little. "Also if you could maybe explain to me how I'm feeling better and not dying from infection?"

The doctor gave her a weak smile. "This planet is riddled with foreign bacteria, viruses, fungi, and all manner of parasites. When we first landed here, we realized we would have to seal our habitations to protect ourselves or lose most of our people to infection and disease. I can't say for sure, but I suspect that the air here has much fewer contagions than most places. We also had to create a series of vaccines and antibiotics to protect ourselves. I wasn't sure they'd work on you, but since you're feeling better. You'd probably have been alright after a few days, just staying in here. Outside, though... Well, let me get your suit back."

She left the room, and Tali sat up on her table. Where was everyone? Who was this 'we' the doctor kept talking about? She rubbed her cold and naked arms, looking forward to being back in the protective embrace of her suit. She grabbed a blanket from the foot of the table and wrapped it around herself. There was a small window on the far wall, looking out into the darkness of the forest. Tali went over to it, cupping her hand against the glass so she could see out into the darkness.

Liara stared back at her. Tali shrieked and jumped away in surprise, and then began giggling in relief. She went back to the window. Liara held up her rifle, with the butt of it facing out as if she meant to smash the window. Tali's eyes widened and she shook her head vehemently. "NO," she mouthed. Liara looked confused but lowered her weapon. Tali knew she couldn't go anywhere until she had her suit back at least.

At that moment, the door whooshed open. Tali whipped around in surprise, stepping self-consciously away from the window. The doctor had returned, carrying her suit...and there was a dark-haired man standing beside her.

Tali wrapped herself more tightly in the blanket, glad that she had grabbed it. She felt more vulnerable and naked than ever. "I'll leave you to get dressed in a moment," the doctor said, handing her her suit. "My name is Samantha, by the way, and this is Edgar. He's our engineer, and he'd be happy to help you find the supplies you need to repair your ship."

Tali smiled and nodded weakly. "I am Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, and I appreciate your assistance. May I contact my crew now?"

Samantha nodded. "We'll give you some privacy to get dressed." She turned to leave, and Edgar nodded toward her before following suit.

Tali got dressed quickly, glad of her suit in more ways than one. No sooner had she fastened her helmet than she contacted Liara.

"Are you okay?" Liara asked. She had moved away from the window as soon as she had seen the door open, and now crouched in the shelter of a nearby boulder.

"Um, yes. I think so. I don't think they mean me any harm, it was just a misunderstanding. And before you ask, the air in here is sanitary, so that's why I'm still alive. Who else is with you?"

"Garrus and Kaidan. We came when you weren't back and we couldn't contact you. Who are these people anyway?"

Tali eyed the door warily, worried that they would return. "I don't know. They seem alright, but I don't think they've had contact with the rest of the galaxy in a very long time. The woman didn't know what a quarian was. I want to be careful. They said they would help us, but I think it would be better if they didn't see you. Or Garrus. Especially Garrus. I don't know if they were around to see the end of the Relay 314 incident."

Liara considered for a moment. "All right. I'll tell Kaidan that we need to stay back. We'll wait and then escort you back once you have the materials."

"Okay. I'll contact you soon. Tali out."


	6. Chapter 6

Repairs went quickly once they had the necessary materials. Edgar spent a lot of time at the Normandy, helping fix things and asking questions. Mostly asking questions. He was much younger than Samantha, and seemed much more curious as well. Through him they learned that the settlement was the remnants of a colony that had been established almost fifty years before. They had been part of the frenzied expansion of human-kind, one of dozens and dozens of colony ships launched within the same time span, so when they lost communication shortly after landing, no one had thought to come for them. Edgar said that the assumption among the colonists was that Earth assumed them lost, and hadn't bothered to spare the efforts to find them. Kaidan told him they were probably right.

When EDI declared the ship ready for a launch attempt, the crew was nearly delirious with happiness. Even Garrus had a light in his eyes, noticeable only to those who knew him best. Kaidan didn't even think about other destinations when he had them set their course for Earth, the one place in the galaxy they all most desperately wanted to return to.

Edgar was the only one not overcome by the news. He bid them a sad farewell. The excitement that had animated him previously was gone now, replaced by a wistfulness Kaidan recognized from his own youth. "You could come with us, you know," he said off-handedly as Edgar was getting ready to return to the colony. "Your family might have no interest in seeing the stars or leaving this place, but that doesn't mean you can't."

Edgar looked up sharply. Kaidan's face was sincere. He thought for a moment, eyes darting back and forth, before saying tentatively, "Well, I _would_ like to see Earth...My mom used to talk about it so much..."

Kaidan smiled and clapped a hand to his shoulder. "Get your things ready and talk to your folks. We're leaving at 0800 tomorrow. Be here."

Edgar smiled and took off, sparing no time in his rush to get home. Kaidan's face fell slightly after he had gone. He knew it was entirely possible that his parents would talk him out of going, and that 0800 would come and go without his return. But his offer stood, and he had no regrets about making it.

Night was already descending on their final day here on this god-forsaken planet. He realized he didn't even know its name, and found that he had no regrets about that. He wanted to go home. He wanted to see London, to reassure himself that Earth was still there, that they really had _won_ something. He wanted to be relieved from the pressures of command. Maybe not permanently, but for a while at least. And, secretly, he wanted to look for Shepard.

He suspected that at least a few of the crew members felt the way he did. No matter what they'd seen, or the reports they'd gotten to render Shepard's survival impossible, some of them still believed. Nothing could kill Shepard. She was invincible, unstoppable. She'd survived death before. After the initial shock, he'd begun to doubt. Not outwardly, of course, because that would only invite grief. No, he held his doubts close to his heart, where they had blossomed and grown into denial. He'd avoided Garrus more and more as they became stronger, because he knew that when confronted with the turian's grief, he would reveal himself. And if she really was dead...letting Garrus believe otherwise would be cruel beyond belief.

He thought Tali was one of the few on the same page as him. She had reacted to news of the Commander's death, but not as strongly as he'd expected. She wasn't like Liara, crying her eyes out in the privacy of her cabin every night, nor like Garrus, who seemed to have turned to stone. She seemed...all right.

He'd gone to see her after her ordeal at the hands of the colonists. He felt like he'd let her down, sending her alone into danger, letting her negotiate her own release, and with the life-saving materials they needed, to boot. He'd meant to say that to her, when he got down to engineering. She'd been staying in the maintenance area below-decks, the place that Jack had once called home. He asked her why she wasn't staying in the crew quarters with everyone else.

"It's...lonely up there," she said. "No, that's not the word. Quiet? I like it down here with the engines. Even when they're not running, it just seems...warmer. Safer. I guess I'll miss that when I build my cottage on Rannoch, right?" She smiled.

Kaidan smiled back. "A cottage, eh? I would have figured you'd go for a four-story mansion, with an indoor pool and a golf course in the back. I mean, you finally have the space to work with."

"Ha. I don't think I could stand that much open living space. At least, not without thirty or forty cousins and relatives to help me fill it out. And I have a suspicion that they're all going to want cottages of their own."

"At first maybe," he said. "But I doubt your people will like living too far apart for long. Have you heard the expression 'home is where the heart is'?"

Tali smiled sadly. "Well, if that's true then I guess I better get used to living down here. The Normandy has my heart." She laughed a little, to cast off the triteness of her statement.

Kaidan sat down next to her on her cot. She scooted over, but only a little. "I know what you mean," he said. "But...I thought you would only feel that way with Shepard in command. It's...not the same now. I know it because I feel it too."

"Yes," she agreed. "But the Normandy is not...was not...just Shepard. It was all of us, working together, accomplishing great things. It may not be the same now that we lost her, but it still matters. We're still here, after all. Aren't we?" She put a hand over his.

He shamefully buried his thoughts about giving up command and returning to his home in Vancouver. Those kind of thoughts had probably never crossed Shepard's mind, because she was a commander, through and through. A hero.

He couldn't see Tali's face through her mask, but he could feel the warmth of her hand through her suit. "To tell you the truth, I was thinking about taking extended leave once we get back to Earth. It's not exactly a cottage, but my folks have a place in Vancouver, and I thought I might like to spend some time there. Just...living, I guess. Not having the galaxy depend on me for anything."

"But you're still a Spectre, aren't you?"

"Yeah," he said, letting Vancouver slip through his fingers into fantasy once more. "I guess you really can never go home again. There's another saying for you."

"Well, maybe _you_ can't," Tali teased. "I'm going to retire, grow fat and old, and raise dozens of children and grandchildren. Maybe you can come visit me at my mansion sometime. You know, on Spectre business."

Kaidan smiled. Tali's sniping dragged him out of his melancholy mood, which had become all too familiar as of late. "That's great about the grandchildren and all, but I'm pretty sure you need a male for that part, and since I don't think I've ever seen you give a man the time of day..."

She laughed and punched him in the shoulder. "It's 2300. There. Are you happy?"

Kaidan grunted in feigned hurt over her punch, then laughed. It felt good. Really good. "Well, I guess I am," he said thoughtfully, still smiling. "But I can't say you're going to get any children out of it. Pretty sure you're going to have to dupe another quarian into doing _those_ honors."

Tali felt a flush suffusing her cheeks. Her faceplate hid it from Kaidan, she knew, but she turned her head to the side anyway. "Who says?" she said playfully, still not sure where this was going. Or where she wanted it to go. He was still sitting very close to her on the bed. And he was very handsome, even in the low light, and especially for a human.

"Well, your amino acids for one thing," he began. Then paused. Then turned bright red as he realized that he had missed something. Something important. "Tali, I—um, I'm sorry? I tend to put my foot in my mouth sometimes when I'm tired or, uh, nervous and right now I guess I'm a little of both, so, I think I should probably just say goodnight before I do any permanent damage."

He started to get up, but Tali grabbed his arm. "Wait," she said. "Usually I'm the one that's nervous, so I know how you feel, but...I don't want you to go. It's been a while since we've spent any time together. You don't have anything to apologize for. Maybe I just should have been more...direct."

She pulled him back down to the cot. Carefully, deliberately, she removed her face plate. "I've been taking a lot of antibiotics," she explained, her voice now unfiltered by her suit. "I wanted to take extra precautions, after...and now I just want to..." she said, and kissed him.

He was still reeling from the revelation of seeing her face when he felt her lips on his. She was beautiful, and her kiss was soft and sweet. Chaste, almost. But not unwelcome. His head spinning, he tried to remind himself to stay calm. It had been a long time since he'd been with anyone, and Tali...not that it wasn't something he had considered, but so sudden... He hadn't known her to ever be so bold, and it took him by surprise.

She drew back a little, noting his lack of response. This time, he could see her blush, a pretty red color that made her seem even more human. She put her hand to her face, as if to hide it. "Oh, hell. I probably shouldn't have done that, huh?" She looked away, her other hand groping for her face plate on the bed.

Kaidan grabbed her hand, stopping its restless search. "Hey, no, it's not that. I just...I mean, I came down here to tell you how sorry I was. For what you went through. For putting you in that situation. I thought you'd be mad at me. Or at least upset. You're still...recovering, and it wouldn't be right for me to..." He broke off, noticing suddenly that the fingers of her hand had curled around his. He swallowed. "To take advantage of the situation. Hasn't anyone ever told you that men can't be trusted?" As he said the last he felt an answering rush of heat and lust. It really _had_ been a long time.

She laughed a little and looked at him. "Well, yes, but you're not just a man. Keelah, you're my commander. You're a human. You somehow manage to be strong but sweet at the same time. You're unlike any quarian I've ever met. You...you remind me of Shepard."

Kaidan smiled a little. "So that's what it is, then? A repressed Shepard-crush?" He meant it to come out light-hearted, to give her an out. But somehow it sounded harsh and bitter in his own ears. And saying Shepard's name hurt more than he had expected. He could see her face harden in response, feel her hand letting go of his. "Shit, I'm sorry Tali. I didn't mean it like that, I just mean..." He sighed. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. No matter how I feel about it." He grimaced, hating how his words kept coming out so wrong.

She rolled her eyes. "You talk too much, human." And then she leaned in and kissed him again. There was nothing chaste about it this time. She pressed her body into his, pushing him back down onto the cot. His hands sought to tangle themselves in her hair, only to be balked by her helmet, which was still in place. He realized this was going to be much more difficult than undoing a bra strap. After a mere second, he gave up, settling to run his hands up and down her body, her suit providing a scant barrier.

After another few minutes, they broke apart, both breathing hard. Without speaking, Tali lifted her hands and took off her helmet. Kaidan winced when he saw the stubble there. Just a reminder of his failings as a commander. Tali smiled, running her hands over it. "I kind of like it. Much less trouble. I might even keep it."

Kaidan traced his hand along her cheek. Then stroked along her scalp, feeling the prickle of little hairs starting to reassert themselves. "Are you sure you're alright?" he asked. She hadn't said much about what had happened to her during her brief custody, only that they'd taken her suit and shaved her head due to a "misunderstanding". He knew he should have pushed the subject as her commander, if nothing else, but...she didn't want to talk about it.

"Never been better," she said, brushing off his concern. "Like I said, I've been taking plenty of antibiotics, and some of the medication they gave me was far more advanced than it had any right to be." She turned and nuzzled his hand, slipping his thumb between her lips and sucking gently.

All thoughts left Kaidan's mind as a shiver raced down his spine and settled in his groin. He closed his eyes and moaned softly. This was definitely something he'd been missing. He hadn't been so happy in a long time.

* * *

A/N: I know it's been a while since we've seen Garrus, and I expect him to take over most of the spot light, starting with the next chapter. Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

They were leaving. That was all Garrus could think about. He paced the crew deck restlessly, drawing looks from those still lingering in the galley. Going back to Earth. His hands clenched and un-clenched reflexively. They hadn't had contact with Earth, or anyone, for that matter, since they crash landed here a month ago. And now they were going back.

He had tried to ruthlessly crush the voice that said she was still alive. He was a soldier. He'd seen good men die. Frequently, and without purpose. He knew, _knew_ that death could take anyone at any time, that no amount of denial or disbelief could take it back. Shepard was gone. _But her body_, the little voice said. _You can't be sure until you find her body_.

It was not a task he looked forward to. But he'd already begun sketching search parameters in his spare time, using what he remembered of London's layout to determine where she might have ended up if she'd managed to go back down the beam somehow. He remembered quite a bit of London, considering that it appeared in his dreams every night. He did not relish returning to the site of his failure.

Because, as he'd come to realize, the thing he regretted most was not being there. He doubted he could have saved her, given the enormous amount of damage setting off the Crucible had caused, but to have _been_ there, with her, at the end... Instead he was left with the knowledge that she had died in agony, hurt and alone, while he was safe in the Normandy's med bay. If only he had fought her harder, refused to be packed away like an invalid...

Thoughts like these had haunted him day and night. He thought time would dull the pain, but instead it just gave him more time to think of ways he could've been there, to imagine how things might have gone differently. And the longer they were away from Earth, the more that treacherous little spark of doubt grew in his heart. _What if she made it out_, it whispered.

He was so wrapped in thought that he almost didn't realize that James was standing in front of him. He stopped only a few inches short and blinked owlishly down at the human who had interrupted his progress only seconds before a collision.

James put his hand on Garrus's chest. "Alright, Blue, you have got to stop with this pacing. You're driving everybody on the ship loco. If you have some extra energy, spend it on calibrations. Or come down to the cargo bay and spend some quality time with the punching bag. But this has got to stop. Comprende?"

Garrus tilted his head, considering. Time was, he would have been ready with a snappy come-back to put Vega in his place. But now...He felt like he was underwater, watching current events with a detached disinterest. He nodded his head. "Fair enough," he said, and meandered back to the main battery.

There was nothing left to do in here, and he knew it. The guns had been operating at peak efficiency for some time, and the crash hadn't damaged them beyond what he had already repaired. And he no longer had the drive to figure out how to squeeze out that last one percent. It just didn't seem to matter anymore.

So he sat for a moment on his cot, trying to calm himself. But he was still restless, so he got up and paced the small room, pleased at least that he still had this space. But it wasn't enough. The smallness of the room made his plates itch. He had to get out.

So he left, this time headed straight for the elevator, not pausing to see what the crew members still around thought of his display. Camaraderie and trust were huge parts of a soldier's life aboard a vessel, and he was slowly and systematically undermining his participation in both. He knew that. Thought vaguely about what Shepard would have thought about it. But his thoughts shut down again when he saw that monument to the deceased crew. He could see the empty space in the middle. Where her name would go. He pressed the button on the elevator, the doors closing quickly.

The cargo bay was huge. There was plenty of space for pacing, or running for that matter. Many of the crew members used it as a track, jogging laps around the perimeter. But there were only a handful of people here now, due to the lateness of the hour. Cortez was lounging by the shuttle, perusing a datapad with some interest. James was a little harder to find, at least until Garrus realized that the methodical clanging of metal was not due to a repair effort, but coming from a little alcove where James was performing bench presses.

He sat up when he realized Garrus was standing there. Garrus's mandibles twitched nervously. He felt somehow unprepared to deal with this human, and he could feel the strain of tension in the air. They were both hiding their awkward, vulnerable feelings. And that was good. That was how it should be between soldiers. Garrus didn't ask what James was still doing up, why he was working out when he should be eating or sleeping or relaxing. James didn't make fun of Garrus for taking him up on his offer. The silence stretched out for another moment, both of them taking in the unsaid words, the hidden motivations that were not particularly secret.

Finally they both relaxed. James grinned. "Welcome to the jungle. My little iron jungle, such as it is. Punching bag's there, weights are racked according to size over there," he gestured, "and you're welcome to anything as long as you don't get in my way." He laid back down and hefted the metal bar back into the air.

Garrus's mandibles flexed into a smile. He watched James for a moment, trying to figure out exactly what the human was accomplishing by his repeated movements. He had seen humans working out before, specifically his co-workers at C-Sec, but it had always struck him as strange how they considered repeated and unnatural muscle movements as the best way to train. Turians took a more flexible approach. Running, sparring, and body weight exercises made up the majority of Garrus's training experience. He couldn't imagine how repeatedly curling his arm muscles would prepare him for real life combat. Although, he reflected, still watching the human, James was exceptionally powerful for a human and sometimes seemed more like a krogan in combat, so perhaps there was something to it.

He stretched his arms out wide, feeling his shoulders and elbows pop, and rotated his neck a couple of times. He eyed the punching bag James had pointed out. It wasn't so dissimilar to what he had used in basic training. He gave it an experimental jab. It swayed lazily in response. Gaining confidence, he hit it harder, causing it to swing more violently. Encouraged, he began pummeling the thing, striking quick and hard. He breathed deep and felt his body beginning to awaken, to prepare itself for combat. He smiled. He missed combat.

After a few more minutes, he paused long enough to realize that he couldn't hear James's weights anymore. He turned, and saw the human sitting on the bench watching him. "Never seen a turian fight hand to hand before," he commented, once he realized Garrus was looking at him.

Garrus's hands dropped to his side. "Well?" he asked, inviting judgment.

James thought for a moment. "It's similar enough, I suppose, but your stance isn't anything I'd care to try. You're leaving yourself open at too many critical points. And with those long arms, all it'd take to bring you down is a rush to get inside your guard. You wouldn't be able to stop anyone who got closer than three feet."

Garrus snorted. "I suppose there's one way to test that out. Care to try me?"

James grinned and rolled his shoulders. "You're going down Blue."

Without hesitation, James charged, keeping his body low and driving his shoulder into the turian's midsection, taking him to the deck. Garrus, though surprised, reacted quickly, curling up to get his legs between him and James, and then kicking the marine off him. James rolled to his feet and dropped into a defensive stance, eying Garrus with a wolfish grin. "Not bad," he said. "Those talons of yours might pose a problem for me."

Garrus laughed, caught for the moment in the intensity of combat, simulated though it was. It felt good to let go. "I'll admit that I'm not particularly concerned," he said. "This may be your first time sparring with a turian, but it's not my first time sparring with a human."

With that, he lashed out, intending to catch James in the side of the head with an unexpected blow. But the human was quick, dodging the attack and then rushing under Garrus's guard and delivering a quick punch to his torso. Garrus staggered back a bit from the force of the blow. "That's not going to work on me, Vega. I'm not soft and squishy in the middle like you." James cursed and shook out his hand.

"Me, soft and squishy? I think you've forgotten who you're talking to," he said, slapping his abs to prove their worth. "Besides, I'm sure you're soft and squishy in other places." James rushed again, this time hooking Garrus's leg with one of his own and twisting him down to the deck. The impact knocked the wind out of the turian. James stood over him, laughing. "That must not be a move in the turian repertoire, eh?"

Garrus blinked for a second. He was right, it wasn't. The spurs on their legs meant that a turian using that move on another turian was just as likely to get tangled and go down too. But he had experienced it before. From one Commander Shepard.

In an instant, memories overwhelmed him from the last time he'd sparred with her. Her laughing face, the way she'd tied her hair back to keep it out of her way. She had been so small, and he'd tried to be careful with her, but she was so infuriatingly fast it was all he could do to keep her off of him. She'd smelled so sweet, so human. Sweat and something floral. He'd ended the match on top of her...he knew she'd let him win, and truth be told that made it all the more sweet. Both of their hearts pounding, her tiny body captured neatly beneath him, her eyes so intense as they dared him to make a move...

He was brought back to the moment by James clearing his throat. Garrus realized that he was still lying flat on his back, and James was standing some feet away. "You okay, Blue?"

Garrus grunted and sat up. "Yeah, fine." He could still feel the battle fury coursing through his veins, but now it was mixed with an unfocused and powerful lust.

"I guess I know your weak spot now, though, huh? Want to go again?"

Garrus shook his head. "No...I'm just going to bed now I think." James cocked his head in curiosity at this strange behavior, but said nothing as Garrus headed toward the elevator.

As soon as the doors closed, Garrus collapsed against the wall. His chest hitched with hard-caught breath, which he exhaled in a painful and supremely frustrated growl. His hands clenched at his sides. He _wanted _her so badly, so badly it hurt, and she was gone. Not just gone but dead. The pain in his chest was an even match to the fire in his belly.

He roared in frustration and desire and pain.

* * *

A/N: Sorry this chapter took me a while. I really wanted to get the character voices right since it's an important chapter. Also, I'm getting married next week so I have no idea how long it will be before another chapter comes along. So I hope, at least, that you enjoy this one. And thank you, as always, to those of you who favorited, followed, and reviewed this story. It really makes my day that you guys are enjoying it! :)


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